Introverted and Lonely?

You hear him speaking to you week after week. There’s a sort of familiarity, intimacy even, that you feel when you look at him. His words pierce your soul, because he knows you, he really knows you. But does he?

His words pierce your soul, because he knows you, he really knows you. But does he?

You and I are among a sea of faces that he sees every week. He genuinely wants to know us, to care for us, to love us. And I truly believe that in his heart of hearts, he does, at least to whatever extent he can. But how well can anyone really know an entire congregation of people?

I suspect it’s similar to the way we view celebrities. If you’ve ever met a celebrity in public, it’s a strange sensation. Our brains instantly spark with recognition and familiarity…we know this person! Yet we are not surprised when they don’t know our names if we ask for an autograph. I mean, of course they don’t know who we are, right? They are the celebrity, not us. But why is it still hard to shake the feeling that maybe they should still know us?

But pastors are different, right? After all, we’ve probably actually met before. We’ve spoken to them, shared our names, maybe shared our stories, even sometimes even shared our struggles and sin. They’ve counseled us, consoled us, and comforted us. How could they not know us?

If we stop and think about it, do we really know them either? Do we know their struggles and sin? Do we know their fears and fantasies, their joys and sorrows, their startling successes and their utter failures? Unless their inner life became a sermon illustration, or their sin became very (and certainly painfully) public, we probably do not. 

Our pastor may not know us, but most of us are fortunate enough to have a close circle of family and friends who do know us, people we can be ourselves in front of without shame, fear of retribution, or any necessary pretense or show of strength. We are free to be ourselves. 

But what about pastors? For them, I think it’s a lot tougher.  Whether it’s true or not, they feel the need to have it all together for their congregation. They want to show strength and confidence to their staff. They want their elders, deacons, board or leadership team to have confidence in their decision-making and leadership. And the hold themselves to a higher standard. Scripture even seems supports this notion (James 3:1). 

If you think you deal with imposter syndrome, imagine how a pastor must feel?

I’ve come to the conclusion that being a pastor must be one of the loneliest professions in the world.

I’ve come to the conclusion that being a pastor must be one of the loneliest professions in the world. Who can they talk to? Who can they confess to or confide in? To whom do they admit weakness, uncertainty, or fear? Their spouses? Of course. But is that always enough? Other pastors? Maybe, if they know any and are willing to be vulnerable. Their small group? Probably not, at least not fully, any more than they could open up to their staff or elders. What a burden of responsibility pastors carry! And how sad, how terribly sad, that the enemy whispers to them that they must carry that burden alone. 

In my experience, introvertedness often goes hand-in-hand with loneliness. Of course, not all pastors are introverted, and more than all pastors are lonely. And there’s certainly not a causal relationship between the two: being introverted does not make one lonely, nor does being lonely make one introverted. But I find the all-too-common correlation seemingly undeniable. 

I am an extrovert. And just so we’re clear about how I define the term, it means that I am energized by being around other people. That doesn’t mean I always love large groups of people, or even small groups of people, just that I renew my energy more efficiently and effectively when I am around others than I do by being alone. 

Most pastors I know … are generally more energized after having time alone. 

Most pastors I know are the opposite. That doesn’t mean they don’t like being around groups of people, just that it tends to drain them, not energize them. They are generally more energized after having time alone. 

Does that mean we should leave pastors alone? That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just think that a healthy awareness of their natural tendencies might help us practice the Golden Rule and “do unto pastors as we would have done unto us.” 

Many introverts will say that they benefit from one-on-one (or one-on-a-few) time with close friends. So as we seek to encourage pastors and help them battle the loneliness that would otherwise plague them, we should do this with an awareness of their potentially introverted nature. 

Throwing a party with 500 of their closest friends is not apt to energize an introvert! And, frankly, it probably won’t do anything to help his loneliness, either!